Insecurities

HELLO! I'm back again. Took a small break from here to go about my life... but I'll be posting again now.

So recently, almost two weeks ago to be exact, I went compete in my first dance competition. Ever. No biggie.

Actually, big biggie. Really big.

Let's recap.

It was very nerve-wracking... for me, at least. I had gotten there the night before, stayed in a hotel so I wouldn't have to wake up extra early to get ready and get there on time. As I sat in my bed, a soft pillow beneath me and my body ready to doze off, my mind ran like a wild animal. I was sub-consciously running my numbers, going through every single movement and remembering which count goes where and how long I'd have to hold my leg up for this part and how much force I would have to push for my pirouettes and... it just would not stop running.

I ended up losing precious hours I could have spent sleeping, preparing myself for tomorrow. Of course. This always happens to me the night before big days like, say, competitions.

Next day. 8:30 in the morning (what an ungodly hour). Did my hair, shrugged on my competition jacket and other appropriate clothing for the chilly weather, ate breakfast, and headed over to the school auditorium the competition took place at.

Now, my call time wasn't until later, like 4pm or so. We had gotten there to support the soloists performing in the morning. As the day dragged on and more of our dancers got on stage, I became more anxious. More nervous. More... everything, really. I was excited too, absolutely. But watching all the other girls perform, in their sparkly two-piece costumes that show off their flat stomachs and their seemingly endless tricks, I begin to envy them.

Yes, I have insecurities of my own. Mostly about my body. I know I'm not the slimmest of the dancers, or the most flexible, or even the strongest. I know that I could lose a few pounds in a few places, gain some in muscle. Look decent in a costume and just be... better.

These insecurities never seem to go away. They are always there, reminding me. Look at that bulge on your stomach. It shows through your costume. Tuck the flab under your arms. You've got to work on your thighs, they're too big. Look how skinny she is. You don't look like that, do you?

Every. Single. Day.

It takes away from my self-confidence. It gets to my head, seeing our competitors dance before us and waiting in the wings thinking, "Oh, man. They were really good. Their costumes are so cool. They were so together, they had a lot of tricks. Wow. How we are gonna look that good? Crap, they called us in. Okay, 5 6 7 8..."

Yes, I had my mom's and my sister's and my dance friends' endless support, and that helped. But that still didn't change the fact that I was about to perform in front of judges and people in the audience. For the first time in my LIFE. And that my entire group was extremely nervous, and thus, didn't perform like we do in rehearsal.

But that's okay. Because it was it was just our first competition. Because I know how good I am. I bust my ass in every class. I am focused. I am determined. And I work hard to deserve the spots that I get. I work hard to be the best that I can be.

And lately, I've been realizing that I'm at a pretty good place right now. I can see a significant improvement in myself, and that's what matters most. How I feel about myself.

I mean, dang. I've already got a solo part in one of my numbers. I think I can say I'm doing pretty well.

You've got to have confidence in yourself, and don't think why you can't be as good as the others. Try to be as good as you can be.